Thomas Friedman

Since Thursday I have had a headache that afflicts pain as a function of the angle formed between my body and the floor. Lying down, I can function on a high level. Upright, my temples throb and the smell of food induces nausea. Fortunately, this ought to be a short phase in my life. Still, in the absence of relief, I have given some thought to how I might cope were my condition to be permanent.

Probably the most difficult function to reproduce would be transportation. In the absence of some sort of periscope, it would be impossible to drive a car while on my back. But it might be possible to drive while lying flat on my stomach. This would require the back seat behind the driver to be removed as well as the back of the driver's seat. Some stretcher-like apparatus would have to be constructed extending into the back seat such that I could lie comfortably belly-down and face the windshield without being so close as to jeopardize my life. To accommodate this unusual driving posture, the pedals would need to be placed against the back wall of the car so that my feet could operate them.

Naturally, this strategy would require an unprecedented set of safety considerations. I am not sure where the airbag would go, but after a considerable thought I doubt one would be of any real usefulness. If hit from behind or in front, my inertia would carry me forward, head-first in a straight line towards the front of the car. Any airbag in my path would probably snap my neck before the steering wheel or windshield could. I think safety would most likely be accomplished by super-strong shoulder straps, binding me to the apparatus on which I was perched.

Another consideration is how best to eat while in this precarious state. So far, I have sat up for brief moments, enduring the headache in exchange for the aid of gravity in digestion. Surely, if this condition were to be permanent, I could do better. One possibility might be to magnetize all of my food. Then, by placing a sufficiently strong magnet of opposite polarity near my feet I could reproduce the effects of gravity but only as concerns my digestion.

A number of other considerations would require similar attention if this condition were really to be permanent. Some activities, like reading, merely present inconveniences. Others, like practicing and performing on the saxophone might require the sorts of revolutions in engineering that keep Thomas Friedman awake at night. Fortunately, I do not expect to be in this situation long enough to solve any problem more complex than how to eat scrambled eggs and post a poorly conceived reflection on this topic.